It's just hit me, how stuck in a rut I was this time last year. I didn't fully comprehend exactly how miserable I had been, and for such a long time!
If I sit here and list all the things that have changed in the last year, I would probably be here all night!!
All I can say is, Wow - it's been a wild year! And I am SO much happier now than I have been in such a long time! Things are looking better all the time! Amazeballs! :D
After, actually the first comment, it really got me thinking. Whats my secret? What exactly IS my secret? Do I even have a secret? Dumb luck maybe?
After spending such a long 11 years with someone who clearly didn't value me as a person, let alone a wife or mother, or any of the other umpteen things I did in those 11 years, I was flat, miserable, just going through the motions. Busy being busy. Bringing up my three children as best as I could on my own but still in a partnership.
I felt like a solo parent for years before it actually became fact. Him always at work, or if not at work, not mentally present for the kids or I. I despaired regularly that I was married to a glorified babysitter who was only available some mornings and if I was lucky, two full days a week. This glorified babysitter rarely helped with cooking or cleaning. The one thing I asked him to do was to fold the washing - this was done, if I was lucky, on a Monday which was his day off. There it sat, all week, growing and shrinking at will, until he decided he could be bothered to fold it and not put it away, so it was scattered far and wide by children, then old Muggins here had to do it anyway.
I wanted to get out and work, but his schedule made it too hard. I opened my shop, but instead of him helping by keeping the kids (or at least Red) home until he went to work, he would use the TV as a babysitter while he would sit in the bedroom on his computer and let her fall asleep. This meant that she wouldn't sleep for me in the shop in the afternoon when I needed to get things done or serve customers unhindered. Then suddenly, more often than not, his work started earlier and earlier. I didn't feel comfortable putting Red into daycare so young, so she mostly came to work with me. Thats just one example of what I felt like I was up against. It really should have come as no great surprise to me, when I was handed my marching orders from my shop, that he jumped at the chance to tell me that I wasn't spending enough time with the kids and that I shouldn't look for alternate premises - that would be FAR too taxing - I should just cut my losses and close altogether. So, 'for the sake of my family' that is exactly what I did. Again, I let him dictate to me what I needed to be doing, because I wasn't there to do everything for him. Do I resent him for that? Well, yes. I'm not certain right now if I DID or if I still DO. The line is pretty blurred.
To his credit, he never hit me. But I'm sure we all know that control regularly takes other forms than physical violence. When I wanted to lose weight (lets face it, my entire life, to this point, I wanted to lose weight) THAT is when he decided to start bringing home creamed buns, chocolate, deep fried treats, delicious things from his work like pork belly and steaks. He would cook them up for me, late at night. Seeing that he had 'gone to such trouble' and the fact that my self control was pretty lacking, of course, I ate them! I joined gyms. But he wouldn't look after the children long enough for me to actually go more than a few times. Granted, sometimes I did lose interest, but for the most part, he had control over letting me go or not. He suddenly had to work when I had planned to go etc. I remember on our honeymoon, him saying 'Don't lose lots of weight and leave me!' Looking back, seriously, WTF? I thought I had low self esteem! How low must his self esteem have been to be saying things like that??
This time last year, I had either just heard, or was about to hear about a gym called Snap Fitness that was about to open in Dunedin. I went in one day before they opened, chatted to a nice bloke called Glen, signed up on the spot! A gym with 24/7 access - I knew he couldn't prevent me from getting there at least occasionally! Oh, but then HE wanted to join too. 'Lets go together!' he said. My heart dropped. I had zero desire by this stage to go anywhere with him, let alone to the gym. The love had disappeared from the marriage LONG before. I remember it opened on 21 April 2012. The day Cass got married! So in the morning, we went in to collect our cards, along with my Mum who also joined at the same time. That afternoon we went to Cass' wedding while my Mum looked after the kids. He didn't want to be there. He complained the entire trip there, the entire trip back and made snide remarks about everything. I wanted to deck him, but I kept my happy face on, as I did at any other event I had the misfortune to decide to drag him to.
Mere days earlier I had downloaded an app on my phone. Silly really. It was a dating app, called Skout. I honestly had no plans to do anything but talk, platonically even, to people. On my profile I had put that I was married and had absolutely NO interest in doing anything but chatting. How naive I was! I ended up meeting someone who would give me the courage to do what I should have done a long time ago - ask my husband to leave. I guess sometimes, it takes meeting someone quite unlike anyone else you have met before, to make you see what you should have seen an age ago.
This emotional 'relationship' that I started with a man on the other side of the world had me spinning. Someone was actually paying attention to me for a change! He seemed to want only the best for me! It was a revelation!
I felt torn between the life I had known for so long, the relative comfortableness of the status quo, and the unknown of being an actual, real life solo mother. The lack of funds that would be coming into my house frightened me, the stigma attached to being a single mother was also a bit scary. But ultimately, the scariest thing of all, was staying in a loveless marriage with someone who seemed to be able to manipulate and control me so easily. I laid my cards on the table. I was out. I cried a lot for several weeks, not so much for the mourning of the relationship - I had done that long ago. It was more of a release! I was finally free! Scared, yes, a solo mother of three - that is scary. But free! I had to do a lot of hand-holding during the transition period - I had to find him a flat, I had to direct him in who to call to have power, internet and telephone connected. I had to tell him what to buy that the kids liked to eat. I had to tell him to remember to brush Red's teeth, for christ sake! Hell, I even had to make him take the children for two nights a week! But with the fourth child out of the house for good, life was much easier.
The emotional relationship with the man who lived in Sweden, that seemed to go well for a while. I felt happy, seemingly fulfilled even. I lost lots of weight by being able to get to the gym regularly and not eating all the junk he would have brought home for me, had he still been there. I finally felt in control of my own destiny.
I did lose a few friends along the way. I seriously put stock in that saying that 'People come in to your life for a reason' Those who left along the way, they were obviously not meant to stay. I want to thank each and every person who stuck by me during that time. You are truly amazing people. Many of whom, I talked your ear off, cried on the shoulders of, drank with, bitched with. Thank you - you know who you are.
Now, back to the emotional relationship. That was another roller coaster all to itself. In hindsight, it was never a good idea. I am pleased that I took off my rose tinted spectacles long enough to see that this wasn't the fantastic thing I thought it was in the beginning. Believe it or not, some of the time, I really did have my eyes wide open! I am quite sure it didn't seem like it a lot of the time. I could see that he too, was trying to control me. I was delighted with my own ability to spot it so quickly this time around. Those friends who stuck by me and supported me, even though I obviously made some rather dubious decisions in that 10 month period, I appreciate that you were watching out for me, without being preachy or judgy! Shaking him off has been another revelation for me!
I guess that explains a lot of what happened leading up to this time last year, and some of what happened over the rest of the year, but not really so much about why I am so happy now.
My weight loss - that happened in leaps and bounds to begin with. Then, as expected, it slowed down. I finally had a little time to myself, to be myself, BY myself, when he had the kids for a couple of days a week. I was never really bored on those two days. I had things I wanted to do, life to live! I attempted to get numerous jobs, but unfortunately to a degree, I was still being controlled, by way of him deciding 'oh, I can't have the kids that day, I have to work now' and not having anyone to care for the children in the weekend reliably so it was impossible to get a weekend job. Even trying to get a supermarket job proved fruitless.
Eventually, after lamenting long and hard about everything to a friend in Australia, she talked me in to giving it a go in Melbourne. I felt absolutely sure that he would put the brakes on by digging in his toes and saying I was NOT allowed to take the children out of the country. To my surprise, it took him less than 45 minutes and minimal questioning to say 'Sure, you can take the kids to live in Melbourne. Just keep the snakes and spiders away from them' I was shocked, but in hindsight, not hugely surprised - after all, I'm pretty sure that having the kids 2 nights a week - his only 2 nights off work a week - was cramping his style! So of course, why would he say no? This would ultimately mean less work for him! And in his eyes, less work for him meant MORE work for me! All by myself in a new country, three kids, working - yeah - lets see her pull this one off!
The last year had certainly not been without its stresses. A MAJOR stress, was getting my house ship-shape to sell. I was lucky to have pretty much all the interior renovated (pretty much all by me) so I didn't have a LOT to do in that respect. But cleaning up the section and the outside of the house was no mean feat. Then when it finally went on the market, I was shocked that it only took 18 days to have an unconditional offer on it! Unfortunately we took a major loss on the house, but I needed to not have anything tying me down, financially, when I was out of the country. Selling most of our worldly possessions was strangely cathartic.
Being homeless was also a bit of an adventure. Though, living out of suitcases certainly got old pretty fast. I was lucky that we had some fabulous people in our life who had spare beds or rooms - my Mum and Aunty Susan - and even practically an entire house - Tess and Aaron - before we left New Zealand. Even at the eleventh hour, I sold my car - to someone who had bought something from me on Trade Me - a CD I believe. They saw my car sitting outside the house mere days before I left the country, paid for it over night the night before we left and collected it around 7am that morning!
We left Dunedin on the afternoon of Wednesday 30 January 2013. The first time our passports had been used. My first time leaving New Zealand. We were lucky enough to have my Mum come over with us for a week - amazing to have an extra set of hands on the plane and to help wrangling the kids through the airport and to help with the 8 suitcases, 5 pieces of carry on luggage, 3 pillow pets and 3 car seats! We arrived at Tullamarine Airport in Melbourne, slightly ahead of schedule! I knew that was a good omen! I don't like to be late!
For the first 8 weeks, we stayed with Cat and Sachin. Their hospitality was amazing, and I am so very grateful for them giving us a place to stay!
The first morning the kids went to school, I met the most amazing woman! Lisa was sitting in Morgan's classroom, she greeted me like a long lost friend! I actually mistook her for one of the teachers initially and introduced myself and the kids! After we were introduced to the actual teacher, she gave me her number and email address and address - turned out that she just happened to live in the same street that we were staying on! She gave Red and I a ride home that morning and became firm friends! The kids settled into school well, formed friendships with Lisa's kids and regularly came over to play while Lisa and I chatted. That first morning in the car, I mentioned that I used to be a La Leche League Leader and was very active in the Home Birth Association in Dunedin - turns out we had a fair bit in common really! She even leant me her car for the day so I could go and get some things done - I didn't ask - she just offered! Lisa then introduced me to some other wonderful women - Jess, Fi, Sally and Alison.
We are currently staying in the other house on Lisa's property. My kids are loving every minute of being able to get out and play in the well appointed back yard, among the chickens, ducks, guinea pigs and Golden Lab Molly!
Red started at Kinder last week, she loves it so far!
I have had a few job offers, but I'm not into dodgy. I have my second interview with Aldi tomorrow! I was utterly delighted to get a call back for a second interview, as I was 30 minutes late to the group interview, which was highly mortifying! I am never late for ANYTHING! But I am hoping that as Jane (one of my new neighbours) referred me - she runs the Aldi in Carnegie - that I will be successful!
I am also now seeing a really lovely man, he lives not hugely far away - think Port Chalmers to centre of Dunedin - thats NOTHING here, distance-wise, as I have found! He has two children, 9 and 6. I have found that there are actually men who DO care about seeing their children - they are not all selfish! That in itself is a revelation to me! I understand that he thinks I am equally as lovely as I think he is. He has met my children, and there is a definite mutual like between the four of them, which is fantastic.
So.... whats my secret? I guess, grab life by the horns. Think about it for a little bit, for sure, but then actually DO something to make your lot in life better! Yes, it may be scary as hell, but is it scarier to just sit there in your rut, feeling miserable, feeling like there is nothing better out there for you? I am worth more than that! My kids are worth more than that! YOU are worth more than that!
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